For a while now I have been taking a Mindful Makeover course from JillFit on Facebook. Every day I get an email and assignments so I can figure out what is going on in my head and change a few things that need adjustments. I talked about the course in my post Noticing and Naming Journal.
I have now reached the half-way point in the course and I am supposed to answer the following questions. I figured I would share with you so you. Partly so I can navel gaze with an audience that I won’t know if they yawn or leave before the intermission, so I can assume they are fascinated with my every thought. I am also sharing this so you can see the unique way my brain works. Although I am not without the suspicion that you are all complete goofs like me and just doing a better job of faking it than I am! Fess up! I can’t be the only clown around here.
OK … Bonus … This makes for an easy blog post as it has a built in structure and direction unlike many of my posts.
So here are the questions I am supposed to answer:
1) The thing I am most afraid of happening if I start liking myself RIGHT NOW is…
I like myself! People find that surprising. Super obese woman are supposed to hate themselves, have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. Well everybody could use more self-confidence and I recognize I have faults just like anybody else but, I love spending time with myself because I am pretty great and entertaining to me.
2) What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen if you stop using negative self-talk?
I have no idea! I only just learned that I do negative talk at all. I guess maybe without negative talk I will do something I would normally be sure I would hate and have a rotten time as a result. Is it negative talk to say “no I don’t want to jump out of an airplane because it will suck and be dangerous”? See I told you I have trouble recognizing negative talk. I’ve figured out form journaling that I need to stop when I am feeling low and work backwards to figure out what got me to that point and that is where I would find some negative talk. While I am being negative I just perceive it as telling the facts.
3) Based on your experience, are you more or less motivated when you utilize negative self-talk, in the long run?
Definitely less motivated! It really shows up in my workouts. If I think for a second I will have trouble with an exercise, then I will have trouble. I find 3 deep breaths works really well for me to just clear out those thoughts.
4) My “theme” of insecurity or “not good enough” phrase is…
OH! Uh! This going to slow down the process. I’m not good enough to walk 10Km right now but that is purely physical and that is not what we are looking for here. Although I had a couple panic attacks a year or 2 ago and it can really shut me down when I feel that out of breath feeling while exercising. I also have that I’ll get hurt again negative message running through my head.
You know what the problem is here. I have written everything down in my journal but I can’t read my own writing. This thing looks like I wrote my grocery list on top of my assignments.
I think the message that limits me the most is that I tell myself that I have taken on all I can and any more or any change will be the straw that broke the camels back. This camel has been walking in the same circle for years! You would think it is due for some changes.
5) Make a list of all your valuable qualities aside from your physique (at least 10), e.g. I am a great mom, I am smart, I make people feel good about themselves, etc.
For a girl who likes herself I was surprised it took about 10 minutes to make a list.
- I’m clever
- I’m funny
- I try very, very hard to suppress my true rotten nature and give people around me what they need from me. I am not kidding! The real me is the kid who would put a tack on your chair and then feel bad that I hurt you and now I am supposed to notice if somebody is having a tough day and then have a clue how to help. I want to help, really I do. I’m not a natural, but I try really hard and sometimes I do help.
- I’m honorable and respectful. Two for one there. I think these come from the same place.
- I’m stubborn and I know how to use that to get things done
- I’m very imaginative
- I’m generous
- I’m a big kid and I love to play
- I good at solving problems as long as we are not talking about the whoo-whoo stuff that goes on in people’s heads.
- I can swim forever and with mad style
I, I, I, me, me, me! I’m Canadian and we are supposed to be humble. Somebody is going to come and take away my lifetime supply of maple syrup!
6) True or False: If I stayed the exact same size I am right now, I would be ok.
No, I can’t do the things I want to and have it be no big deal. I have hiking and biking and dancing, and jumping to do and it is painful.
7) I am happiest when I am spending time doing this…
8) I feel my most powerful in the world when I am…
I associate power with using my body so I feel it when I lift and control weights. Outside of the physical I guess I feel it when I drive a car as I am a confident driver. I would feel it if I was teaching people something that I was confident about. I don’t think about power as something I strive for or poses on a regular basis.
9) My biggest fear of failure is around this scenario…
I guess I am most afraid of the public humiliation that shows me in a bad light. Getting caught doing something socially unacceptable.
10) True or False: If that scenario came to fruition, I would be ok.
Welcome to my life! I’ve wet my pants, been caught naked, sneezed my drink on a person and a few I am not going to mention. I don’t go more than a month or two without public embarrassment. I survive but some stick with you more than others. Partially it depends on how other people react. Some people can be harsh with the criticism and even though I recognize it is because of their own hang-ups it still sticks a little.
11) When I am secure in myself, my body and my mind, I act like this…
I’m not going to lie … Arrogant!! I have to be careful of the over-inflated ego!
12) When I am insecure in myself, my body and my mind, I act like this…
I hide! If you can’t find me you can’t take a shot when I am down!
13) If I never used negative self-talk again, I would feel free to do this.
Like I said I don’t want to sky-dive! The limiting factors that prevent me from doing whatever I want are time, money and my weight. Well another factor is the brain doesn’t seem to hold information as well as it used to. I have always intended to take courses throughout my life but I do find that my brain just can’t keep up with my desire. I have had to drop out of a couple courses over the years.
14) True of False: I can look in the mirror and honestly say, I’m ok.
Just ok in little letters? NO! I AM AWESOME!!!