Happiness Is…

Happinesssss... Happy? ... Hap ...

Happinesssss… Happy? … Hap …

This Fat Chick gal sure is arrogant!  She disappears of the blog-o-sphere for a month and then comes back and thinks she can define happiness for everybody.  No I am not back from vacation or some other amazing experience I have actually been just mopping along spending too much time at work and not enough time on myself.  In fact in the spirit of being a mopey, grouchy pants I’m not going to share the ultimate secret of happiness, but I will tell you what made me happy today!  Coyote piss!

That’s right!  The package arrived at my office minutes ago.  I immediately asked the receptionist if she had touched the package.  I told her to go wash her hands.  I am officially “So Gross!”.  It is interesting how many people want to come and look at my package.  My office has glass walls and I can feel the eyes staring at me.  Well how about that I have already made a sale.  I bought 6 jars and have sold 2 at a profit.

So I guess you want to know why I became the Lord of Unmentionable things … the Great Gross Out?  The Sultan of Stink!

Most nights there is this chewing scratching sound in my house.  Sometimes it’s that stupid cat destroying my wood work.  Sometimes it is me and my yummy popcorn but, usually it is one determined racoon.  My garage and attic have been repaired and reworked over and over again and that rodent refuses to be built out of his favorite home.  He knows what a trap is and he refuses to be caught.  So now I am going to stink him out!  I imagine the noxious scent of the big predator terrifying my enemy and could it be … do you think it will put an end to the son next doors biweekly drinking parties.  Probably not, besides it would stink me out of my house too, which may be a small price to pay for some quiet!

Anyway what I have here is Coyote pee gel in a jar.  You open the jar put it in the attic or garage and then run away.  Mr. Racoon is supposed to be fooled into thinking there is a more dangerous predator than the Fat Chick living at my house and he moves on to greener pastures.  Yeah you guessed it I’m in a pissing contest with a rodent and losing so far.  I really hope a little Wile E. Coyote will do the trick.  The Acme Corporation (www.peemart.com actually (Really that’s the name!)) says Coyote is the best predator for racoons.Wile-E-Coyote

Should it turn out that I have discovered the ultimate racoon cure I will most definitely be sharing my findings with you, dear reader.  Otherwise I will be on here begging somebody to find me a solution that does not involve an anvil!

AHhhh, So Happy or a least So Hopeful!!


Happiness Is… — 9 Comments

    • I have a friend that works in the field and told me where to find the stuff!
      Well like she works in the area of communicating natural resources information. Not the manufacturing side or … not that there anything wrong with that.

  1. your wit and writing style are quite compelling, maybe satirical/humorous writing is your calling in the style of Erma Bombeck

  2. I hope the pee works! As mentioned at the Y I’ll tweet your raccoon adventures from @MNRcentral – the official Twitter account of Ministry of Natural Resources. Keep it PG.

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