Oh No!! Moanday again and I have nothing! Well that’s not true. I have numerous brilliant thoughts that were so earth shattering I didn’t need to write them down. Oops! Gone! I have the usually assortment of half-baked, half-finished, half-a##ed articles that need editing. Hopefully some of that will happen this week. Basically this month it has been “Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho. It’s off to work I go”. Love that song actually I have the album from Snow White. Love “The Washing Song” ’cause the dwarves make disgusting sounds when they wash.
I was reading a post written by Christine at A Deliberate Life on F.E.A.R. (how to kick it in the @ss) and well I got an uncomfortable wake up call. She talked about “If I had anxiety, I avoided the situation” and “I had created a safe circle from which I could scurry out, grab what would maintain a minimum existence, and then I would scurry back home.”. Ah Oh!! I often joke that I am Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. I drag what I need into my cave/home and guard my precious/recliner. Just like the ring my recliner is my reward and comfort but also my prison as is my house. I find I am very reluctant to participate in dinners and extra activities making the excuse that my hernia and food problems just make it too difficult. I wonder how bad my hernia flair ups would really be if I dealt with my anxiety better.
I came in at the end of a conversation when I heard this line. Conversation dried up after that so it must have been juicy! Anyway, it got me thinking and not about the Avril Lavigne song! When you were a child life was simple. You asked John if he wanted to play if he said no you went and asked Barbara or Bill until you had somebody to play with. John was forgotten from your mind the second you walked away. Unless of course John had a cool new bike and what you really wanted was to ride his bike. That’s another story that ended in a bloody lip. Which was really cool too as I recall!
Therese is one of the amazing Yise women who has changed my life for the better. She is astoundingly open with and accepting of her own faults as well as others. I can always count on Therese to tell it like it is. Which usually has me at least, bug eyed and jaw dropped! Everybody should have a friend like Therese! From as far back as childhood I have struggled with my identity, I never felt I fitted in anywhere, a square peg in a round hole.
Food is my kryptonite. My relationship with food is complex and dysfunctional. It has been that way most of my life. I have messed around with food for so many years that I have no sense of hunger nor do I recall ever having that feeling. Now that I have a hernia my stomach will let me know it has been too long since I have eaten by giving me heartburn. I do get very persistent cravings which can last for many hours regardless of what I eat or do not eat. I am often almost paralyzed in my inability to select food that will satisfy my needs. This is because simple nutrition is not the only need that food meets.
Uhhhhhh! Woof, Woof, Woof! Breath! OK. Today I’m going to talk about the thing that scares me. But first I’ll talk around the edges of the topic. Then I’ll hint at the topic and run away to some other slightly related story. Then maybe I’ll pull off the scab and say it. People say I am brave for actually putting my real weight on this web site and putting up a picture of myself in a swimsuit. That is nothing! Here it is my personal kryptonite. I am a binge eater! Wow! I am shaky! I usually avoid talking about food because I have so much anxiety about it. I’m sure anybody that has had a weight problem can relate to this.
So I need to write my first real post for Fat Chicks Fitness. What if nobody is interested in what I have to say? What if I can’t produce enough posts over time and I lose momentum? What if Barbara Walters reads my site and wants to interview me as one of her most interesting people? What if my family reads this? Eeeeeek!!!!! This is how I procrastinate. I am a worrier and I like to plan for every possible problem. As a result, nothing gets done. When the task is new to me or I just plain don’t want to do it I make endless plans.