Well, I’m several weeks into my new routine. I still haven’t seen much happiness from the scale, but I am using a different scale so that could be a factor. I look a little different so something is going on as a result of the extra exercise. With 2 hours of swimming 5 days a week I have gotten kind of dried out and itchy and my hair is going all tumble weed on me. I do feel better as my joints are happier with all the water work. I guess I need to stop whining about the scale and realize what a big deal it is to feel better! The whining has resulted in me realizing how messed up my relationship with food is. I have been extra anxious about eating right since what I have been eating wasn’t resulting in weight loss. Well guess what happens when I am all anxious about food?
Hey there! I have decided to deal with my backlog of half-finished blog postings. Ugh! Most of these articles just spin around all over the place never getting anywhere. Others have a good idea but I just don’t seem to be able to get the entirety of the idea out of my head and stuck onto a page in some sort of coherent manner. Hmm I was about to say I should have paid attention in English class but, I don’t remember ever being taught how to write. I remember being taught how to write different types of poetry and learning the parts of an essay. Oh right I probably wasn’t paying attention and that’s why I don’t remember. Yeah, all I cared about was if there was an assignment and how many words did they want.
Well this post is kind of off topic. Maybe I should put it under the category of mental health and fitness or stress management or aging without dignity. I did something foolish. I do a lot of foolish things actually but usually they don’t bite me in the butt as hard as this one. Here is the story. You may have noticed that in Canada this weekend is a long weekend because it is Thanksgiving here. I was invited down to my father’s house to celebrate with him and family on his side of his family. It was also my 50th birthday last week and I was expecting some extra fuss to be made over me. On that topic the YMCA ladies know how to make a proper fuss over a birthday gal!!!! Thanks again to everybody!
Logically I know that I have problems with stress and anxiety. Emotionally? Illogically? Psychotically? Living in stress is a place I know, I understand and I feel comfortable. When I have a deadline buzz going on I am focused and racing and in the moment and producing. I enjoy the adrenaline and testing of my abilities right up until I realize I will not meet the deadline or the project is finished and now what.
I was reading a post written by Christine at A Deliberate Life on F.E.A.R. (how to kick it in the @ss) and well I got an uncomfortable wake up call. She talked about “If I had anxiety, I avoided the situation” and “I had created a safe circle from which I could scurry out, grab what would maintain a minimum existence, and then I would scurry back home.”. Ah Oh!! I often joke that I am Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. I drag what I need into my cave/home and guard my precious/recliner. Just like the ring my recliner is my reward and comfort but also my prison as is my house. I find I am very reluctant to participate in dinners and extra activities making the excuse that my hernia and food problems just make it too difficult. I wonder how bad my hernia flair ups would really be if I dealt with my anxiety better.
I came in at the end of a conversation when I heard this line. Conversation dried up after that so it must have been juicy! Anyway, it got me thinking and not about the Avril Lavigne song! When you were a child life was simple. You asked John if he wanted to play if he said no you went and asked Barbara or Bill until you had somebody to play with. John was forgotten from your mind the second you walked away. Unless of course John had a cool new bike and what you really wanted was to ride his bike. That’s another story that ended in a bloody lip. Which was really cool too as I recall!
Food is my kryptonite. My relationship with food is complex and dysfunctional. It has been that way most of my life. I have messed around with food for so many years that I have no sense of hunger nor do I recall ever having that feeling. Now that I have a hernia my stomach will let me know it has been too long since I have eaten by giving me heartburn. I do get very persistent cravings which can last for many hours regardless of what I eat or do not eat. I am often almost paralyzed in my inability to select food that will satisfy my needs. This is because simple nutrition is not the only need that food meets.
Uhhhhhh! Woof, Woof, Woof! Breath! OK. Today I’m going to talk about the thing that scares me. But first I’ll talk around the edges of the topic. Then I’ll hint at the topic and run away to some other slightly related story. Then maybe I’ll pull off the scab and say it. People say I am brave for actually putting my real weight on this web site and putting up a picture of myself in a swimsuit. That is nothing! Here it is my personal kryptonite. I am a binge eater! Wow! I am shaky! I usually avoid talking about food because I have so much anxiety about it. I’m sure anybody that has had a weight problem can relate to this.